Monday, August 31, 2009

Dance Like There's No Tomorrow, Love Like a Pig Loves Shit.

I need to start this post with one very important truth; I love my kids. Very much. Almost ridiculously so. All I ever wanted in life was to be a mama. Really. That was my number one priority. And of course, I achieved it.

They were wonderful little kids, a delight. Both of them. But something happened when they 'pubertized.' They became totally senseless, selfish individuals. I know, this is normal. We all go a little crazy at that age. And we generally all survive it and come out on the other end of the dark stupid tunnel, intact and a bit wiser.

I have a delightful son. (and daughter, but this is about my son.) He just turned 20 and is trying to become a man. And that's fine. But hes going about it in a shit ass way. He thinks manhood is epitomized in two ways, both of which drive me insane:

1) by how many females hearts you can break

2) by how well you can defend yourself against your male peers who are also going about achieving manhood in a shit ass way.

I recently finished reading 'War and Peace'. It took me all summer and tho I feel proud that I accomplished this, (including reading every dullodulldulldull battle scene, word for word..) I was relieved to have finished and was anxious to move on to some light hearted reading. I chose 'Julie and Julia,' by Julie Powell.

Early in the book I cam across this sentence:

"I love my husband like a pig loves shit."

I laughed out loud. In fact I have laughed over this for two days straight now. It's just sooo damned appropriate and so perfectly describes my love for my son RIGHT NOW.

This is the deal; my son has moved into the house of this little not too bright gal(she describes herself as a natural bleached blonde. See my point?) Anyway shes cute, I'll give her that. Okay, I can live with their cohabitation. What irks me is that he bought her a diamond engagement ring. Btw they have been dating for exactly one month. Did I mention that he just turned 20 and she's 18?

I love my son like a pig loves shit tho, so I recover, after falling into a dead faint.

Now here's where the story really gets good. Last week some other testosterone laden kid stole my son's Ipod out of his girlfriend's (fiance's? Oh god,,,) car. My son saw him later at the Mall and confronted him. The perpetrator, whom I will refer to as TLK...testosterone laden kid..from this point on happened to be in a gang and his gang 'homeys' happened to be scattered around the mall. One phone call resulted in my kid having the living crap beat out of him. There is a video on youtube that some idiot posted but i cannot link it here for some reason. I will try to do that later. But its not a pretty thing to watch, so its probably just as well.
I am, as a mom, appalled that some girl stood there and filmed it. But there it is, and it kills me.

I get a phone call from my sons fiancee (Oh god..) and race to the hospital. The doctor tells me my son has a concussion and he will be ok but cannot go home until hes coherent. My son just wants to get out of there but he thinks its the year 2012. So he has to stay.

Hes out now and trust me, has a full appetite. which means that things seem to be back to normal. In fact, things are so good that he was able to get a second job. he needs another job, it turns out, to pay for the diamond ring he just bought for his fiancee (Oh god..)

What can I say? My kids are both events-about-to-happen. And I love them just as they are. In fact, I love them like a pig loves shit.

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