Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Exam; (Not for the Faint Hearted)

This is going to be one of those posts where my guy readers are going to throw their hands up in the air and exclaim, "Beej! What the hell are you thinking!!??" The lady readers might do the same but at least they'll know where I'm coming from.

Okay, Beej, take a deep breath and get your typing fingers ready; one. two. three..go.

It's getting to be time for my annual woman's checkup. Yup the good old pap smear thingie. Now this is not the highlight of my life. The little stirrups, themselves innocent enough lying pushed down, bring shivers to my spine and set my heart racing. Pushed up into their utile position and I know the unevitable is, well, inevitable.

Men might have this blurry, queazy idea of what a pap is about. But men, you really don't. Let me explain.
Better yet, watch this video:

Okay, did you see that thing in the beginning that sort of looks like a skinny plastic duck beak? That's called a speculum. Whoever invented that should be deep fried in KY jelly. That thing hurts like an s.o.b! The Dr. will tell you, ladies, "It isn't pain. It's simply pressure." This makes me want to scream bloody murder...
"It's pain, you stupid muthaf**ka!"

Now when that's all done they will do breast exam. This is when they squeeze each breast until it almost pops. And after that they want you to go have a mammogram, which is similar to slamming each breast in a car door and taking a picture of it.

Ladies, we are brave and I don't think men could handle this. They don't even like to go for their little 'bend-over-and-cough' exam. They ought to try it with the big plastic duck beak.

Okay now that I've stunned y'all with his post I am going to debate publishing it. Once I press the 'publish post' button, I'm outta here,


  1. Haha!
    I hear ya! I hate having my pap done as well ... and I need to go again soon!
    Lucky for me, my Dr. has gone a little coo coo so... it may be another couple of months before I get in. :P

    I know it's for my own good but.... it's really awful.
    And the breast exam!!!? The last time my dr. was "feeling me up".. I started up a totally inappropriate conversation about how I wanted to have the "girls lifted".. uggh. I think I might have even said something like.. "I'm going to get me a nice set of big shiney boobs. I"m going to shine them up everyday!"...
    I know. I'm an idiot. If it's even slightly inappropriate ... you know I'm saying it.

    I think that my favourite part of getting a pap done is when the dr. says.. "I"m going to put my right hand on your left thigh.."
    I always get a chuckle out of that! :P


  2. Hahahahahaha!! Shine them up every day..what a hooter! (Oops, I meant hoot!) I should do a post on breast, I don't have them but I love your idea about shining them up! hahaha!! I can see me with that can of Pledge....hmmm.

  3. I'll do a free breast exam any day of the week.

  4. LOL, such an awkward exam, really. I loathe the speculum. If something's going in there I want it to feel good, dammit.

  5. Right on Mrs D!
    'm lucky I don't find the smear test painful, but having my boob sandwiched between two cold slabs of metal gets me every time! Ouch! But better pain for a moment, than finding something worse :)

  6. Sheila, wouldn't you think, they can send a man to the moon but they can't find a more humane way to check for cancer? I wonder, if it were men who needed to be checked like this, would they find a less painful means for these tests.

    I once had a (male) doctor tell me that he thought PMS and menopause symptoms were all in a woman's head. I never went back to him.

  7. Oh, and Mrs. D., straight on, dammit!

  8. You're absolutely right, pap smears hurt BAD! I think I'd rather go to the dentist than have one of those. Just a little pressure? Yeah, right. I don't think so. lol! Thanks for the nice comment on my blog, and I look forward to reading yours!

  9. Hey, Kat! I'm so glad to see you made it to my 'house!'

    A little a baseball bat is a little pressure, huh?

  10. (I have a hair appointment in 45 minutes, on the other side of town and I haven't even had a shower yet so what am I doing?? Sitting at the computer, bitching about pap smears...soooo like me....)

  11. Honestly, I think that gynocology is one of the very, very few professions in which men should never be allowed to practice. First of all, as a man, the only things they know about being female or having female parts is textbook. Second, they will never understand what it feels like to have their boobs smashed or something shoved into them and then racheted open. (Thus why they say it's just pressure). There's little room for empathy- simply because we're different genders.

  12. This post doesnt disgust me because its the truth and you are brave for posting it.. I havent had one in almost 5 years... I really need to go in but I cant afford another bill right now.. Sure we have insurance but it only covers like 70% of it.. LOL..


Go ahead, you can do it! Just whistle if you want me. You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and BLOW....

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