This is going to be one of those posts where my guy readers are going to throw their hands up in the air and exclaim, "Beej! What the hell are you thinking!!??" The lady readers might do the same but at least they'll know where I'm coming from.
Okay, Beej, take a deep breath and get your typing fingers ready; one. two. three..go.
It's getting to be time for my annual woman's checkup. Yup the good old pap smear thingie. Now this is not the highlight of my life. The little stirrups, themselves innocent enough lying pushed down, bring shivers to my spine and set my heart racing. Pushed up into their utile position and I know the unevitable is, well, inevitable.
Men might have this blurry, queazy idea of what a pap is about. But men, you really don't. Let me explain.
Better yet, watch this video:
Okay, did you see that thing in the beginning that sort of looks like a skinny plastic duck beak? That's called a speculum. Whoever invented that should be deep fried in KY jelly. That thing hurts like an s.o.b! The Dr. will tell you, ladies, "It isn't pain. It's simply pressure." This makes me want to scream bloody murder...
"It's pain, you stupid muthaf**ka!"
Now when that's all done they will do breast exam. This is when they squeeze each breast until it almost pops. And after that they want you to go have a mammogram, which is similar to slamming each breast in a car door and taking a picture of it.
Ladies, we are brave and I don't think men could handle this. They don't even like to go for their little 'bend-over-and-cough' exam. They ought to try it with the big plastic duck beak.
Okay now that I've stunned y'all with his post I am going to debate publishing it. Once I press the 'publish post' button, I'm outta here,
Week Three Summary
3 years ago