Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Estrogen Adventures

Those of you who have been following me for a while are well aware that I do not generally shy away from topics that are not politically correct. This will be one of those. Guys, again, you might choose to skip this post. Unless you are interested in knowing more about the female body.

Some of you are too young to have experienced what I'm about to write about. Some of you are not. Regardless, those of you young 'uns might want a little heads up on what you might go through a few years down the road.

I am going to tell you about estrogen supplements.

There comes a time in the female life (you men are spoiled brats, I just want to tell you that...) when hormones change. In fact, they take a nose dive. There are many different symptoms. You will know when this has begun to occur.

Last week my gynecologist recommended the time had come for me to consider estrogen supplements. I considered it for maybe three seconds.

"Bring it on, Doctor!!" My heart was doing a big, soul stomping happy dance.

I wanted the oral stuff, the stuff that makes you feel like you're 21 again, the stuff that makes your skin glow and..and...and...well, a whole bunch of different wonderful 'things' begin to come 'alive' again.


"You still have a uterus." she said, shaking her head no.

She sat down in front of me and drew a chart about the negative effects of oral estrogen on women who still have a uterus; Strokes. Blood clots. Cancer. Heart attacks. On and on.

"What's a woman who is cursed with a uterus to do?" I lamented.

"No problem." she smiled. "We'll use a vaginal cream."

Okay, no problem; as far as my complexion goes, I'll do what my friend Lynn in Tallahassee does and just put a little dab on my face. Watch out crows feet, here we come!! har!

"Okay, Beej. This is potent stuff and is expensive. Sometimes insurance doesn't cover it. It can run over $100 for a tube. Having said that, it comes with an applicator. Throw it away. I only want you to use a pea sized amount, three times a week."

Off I go with my prescription and to the pharmacy. I hand the pharmacist the prescription for my 'wonder cream.' He takes it to his computer.

"Beej, this is expensive stuff."

"How expensive?"

"$120."

Whoa, I think. $120 for a little tube. And here i've been making it for free all those years! I've been producing a gold mine with no way to excavate it!

"I'll take it."

And off I go to my house. I take it out of the box.

Liquid gold:



I pull out the applicator.




"Dr. told me to throw it away." I remember. I study it and decide, nah, I'm holding on to that..Just for, you know, an emergency..or something. I slip it back into the box.

I read all the warnings on the little instruction sheet and call my sister.

"Hey sis. Have you ever used estrogen cream?"

"Oh I can't use that but I use something similar."

I don't ask what. I'm afraid she'll tell me lard or something like that.

Why can't you use the regular stuff?" I do ask.

"Because I had a terrible, HORRIBLE allergic reaction."

"Oh damn! that musta hurt." I think to myself.

"What about Jeanne?" (Jeanne is our other sister.)

"Well she did use it but she stopped."

"why?"

"Because her dog got hold of the tube and ate it."

"Her dog ate her estrogen?"

"Yup, that's what happened."

Oh dam! Big damn! Big doggone damn!


12 comments:

  1. knowing more about the female body.

    always but half way through i skipped to the end.... *smiles*

    ReplyDelete
  2. And doesn't its coat just glow!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am sorry but had to laugh at that last one..lol.. I have to admit I cant wait to get rid of this monthly cycle.. I hate it and I hate having to explain to the girls each month why mom needs pads.. I had to explain to my six year old in the middle of the grocery store today why i needed them with onlookers.. I just cant wait for them to be old enough to know why.. and then i will be old enough to know why they need them but wont need them...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hate to break it to you, doll...but Premarin is made from horse piss (actually taken from a mare, hence the "mar" part of the name. No joke, and I swear I'm not lying. It had a spot in a women's health magazine not too long ago, and I read about it in the book Flow.
    I'm not trying to bust your bubble- I'm glad you get to get your swerve on. But...I felt like I'd be a bad friend if I didn't tell you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anon, doesn't matter to me where the estrogen originates. It is potent. Trust me.

    Sir Thomas, pretty dog made you smile I bet. :)

    Sheila, are you back in India now? I've missed you! And yes, her hair glows..

    tweetey, women have options today you know. Have you checked into the birth control pill that lets you cut down to four cycles a year?

    ReplyDelete
  6. No but I had my tubes tied right after we had our youngest so i think I can endure a few more years of this crap.. lol..but thanks for the idea. i hate it but hey you know its part of being who and what we are.. I do get lucky and skip it some months.. So I am just waiting to see what happens..

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lol, I stand in stark contrast to most women- I pray I get mine every month. It means that things are working correctly and there's no children on the horizon...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Nana, I think most women fall into that category. Unless you are hoping to become pregnant.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Gee, I dont know what to say. I am not comfortable with taking almost anything. I'm a bit of a black sheep because menopause is a cultural thing. It happens to certain income leveled women in only a few cultures. the rest of the world just barely notices anything. None of my family had any notice of menopause or such.

    I do believe it perfectly natural to want to fit into ones culture so on that level I see no problem with using a medication or application...but I am not sure if I ever feel a difference in my body I would choose such. I'm a little weird about that.

    I guess I would tend to look into something like this:

    http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/menopaus1/a/naturalmenopaus.htm

    Meanwhile, I don't really mind my period...I'm just kind of used to it ha ha...sure it's much easier to deal with when you can stay home ha ha.

    which reminds me, my friend used to always say how much she wished we had "menstral huts"...at first the impression was it was to sequester "dirty" women...but we realized the women were so smart...getting away from all the irritating people (men?) in the world sure made having a period no big deal ha ha ha!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh god, I could go into quite a discussion here but I think it might be a little too personal. I am not going thru the typical hot flashes, night sweats or anything like that, just that...hmm how can I say it? personal stuff might be a little more comfortable? I guess that would do, to say just that.

    Actually, I wanted the cream because I know from listening to some of my friends, that it kind of halts the aging process. Is that shallow? Perhaps. But my doctor was willing and I am basically very healthy in that regard. So risk is low.

    Its a very personal choice.

    Candy, I had to smile about your 'menstrual huts.' lol How much fun would that have been? We could all sit together and pms at one another. Have you read 'The Red Tent?'

    ReplyDelete
  11. oh and Anon, I forgot to mention..yes...mar is for horse..but not just any horse..pre is for pregnant. Yes pregnant horse and i feel bad for the person who was hired to collect it.. lolol

    ReplyDelete
  12. I knew that as well, but thought maybe the idea of horse piss would be enough to make you take pause....I thought telling you that you're rubbing pregnant mare piss on your lady bits would be a little overkill. I was, for once in my life, trying to be tactful. :)
    As for menstrual huts, they were one-woman occupancy as a general rule, unless it happened to be a girl's first period. In that case, an older woman went to stay with her and basically "have the talk" and tell her what her new position in society was going to be. In many Native societies, this was the standard practice- some followed it up with a dance/feast, some did not. The seclusion time also varied...some only had to stay for a short time...some had to stay away from the tribe for a very long time. I have a book called "Daughters of the Earth", and it's about Indian women (in the western US mostly), and their entire lives (pre-white folks). I have a lot of books on women...we're awesome creatures.
    My mother was very unhappy with me because I kept mine a secret from her for two years...I think there was a part of her that totally wanted to go Native for the event. I guess I robbed her- but I certainly saved myself a lot of embarrassment.

    ReplyDelete

Go ahead, you can do it! Just whistle if you want me. You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and BLOW....

eXTReMe Tracker