Monday, November 30, 2009

Healing Confession

WARNING; THIS POST CONTAINS SUBJECT MATTER THAT MAY BE DISTURBING TO SOME PEOPLE.

It has been in the back of my mind to write about this ever since I began this blog. I have told very very few people about this, or at least the entire story. But I still cry when I think of it. I have deep lingering sadness that has been with me for years and years. But I know, if I write about it, it might ease my heart. So here goes:

I almost died when I was a teenager. I awoke one morning very very very sick. My dad took me to the doctor, Dr. Brezing, who immediately sent me to the hospital. I was hemorrhaging internally, and hemorrhaging badly.

Back then, they did not have the diagnostic tools that they have now. As a result, they could not find the cause of the hemorrhaging. They hooked me up to all kinds of tubes, and IV drips. The pain was unbearable.

I was in the hospital for three months, from June to September. Most of the time, I was not conscious. I would open my eyes and it would be daylight and somebody would be sitting in a chair next to my bed. The next thing I knew, it was dark and my dad would be sitting there. Once in a while I would open my eyes and watch fluid of some sort drip, drip, drip, either into or out of my body. all the while, the pain was there and it was bad.

They put me on morphine which dulled the pain for a while but then it stopped working. I still asked for it tho because it made me feel like I was flying and the pain was secondary to the high. But I was a smart little girl and I told the doctor what was going on and told him to take me off the morphine, which he did.

About a month into this I asked the doctor if I was going to die. He told me that it was a possibility. And I was filled with wonder because I wasn't frightened; I jut wanted the pain to go away. If I died, it was okay as long as I didn't hurt any more.

Then one day, I was lying there and a doctor I didn't know came into my room. At this point I was used to doctors wandering in and out of my room, examining me. This doctor gently pulled down my covers...and then he sexually accosted me. As sick as I was, I didn't know what was what and I remember wondering if he was just examining me. But my senses told hold, and I asked him what he was doing. And he stopped and left my room. As he opened my door to leave, Dr. Brezing entered, and they chatted briefly and it was obvious that they were acquainted. I was so confused. I couldn't figure out how that doctor could have really done this bad thing to me if he knew my family Doctor. I was really confused.

Eventually, I had a five hour exploratory surgery during which they found the source pf the problem. (I am not ready to talk about that, but it was bad.) I healed physically, with time.

I have a scar, both physically and emotionally. The physical scar has faded a lot and isn't all that bad. The emotional scar never healed.

If you have read all of this, I thank you; I NEEDED to write about it. I do not want to die with this unhealed. I have gone all these years without telling more than a couple folks because I felt ashamed. I felt dirty. I felt it was my fault. And you know what? I am letting that all go, right now, right this minute by writing about it here.

It was NOT MY FAULT.

16 comments:

  1. (((((((((((((Lizzard)))))))))))))))))

    loads of hugs babe.

    No words. Just hugs.

    Words?

    My daughter was a TOP gymnast. 2nd in the UK and 7th in Europe.

    Her spine 'went'.

    The op was risky. As it happened I paced around outside the hospital smoking and crying - in no particular order.

    Caz appeared and hugged me.

    I should have been there for Caz. She is her mum!!!... but she was there for me. Her terrified dad.

    I'd totally lost it.

    My baby. A Titanium rod and 5 screws in the spine.

    I know this is personal to me but, for what it's worth, I'd have cried for you too babe.

    Still.

    WTF eh?

    My favourite quote.

    Grant Naylor (Red Dwarf)......

    "We live we die. The bit in between is called life. Enjoy"

    Enjoy sweetheart. Just enjoy eh?....

    Jax does.

    You do too. I demand it. (Cocky sod that I am)

    4D xxx

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  2. Oh Four Dinners, you have no idea how frightened I was to write this. I can deal with the memories of the sickness but I still cant get over that this doctor did this to a sick child, one who might not have made it.

    Thank you thank you and I am so glad your baby is ok.

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  3. You're ok too babe.

    Just remember that ok? x

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  4. Aww thanks. As an adult, I look back and then wonder how many other young girls he has done this to since then. And I think, if I had told someone at that time, maybe any other assaults would have been prevented. But the shame was too big for me to take it on to myself. I know the shame isnt mine, but i owned it for a long time, regardless. Its the way of this beast called abuse.

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  5. Hum, a doctor did that, what a shame. But that was many days ago and it likely didn't harm you so maybe you should move on from that and not allow it to bother you anymore.

    An aunt of mine that wrote about her childhood told us about all the times her father and uncles used her as a young girl but she over came all that and had a good life after that.

    For the most part I was raised in a mining town, do you know what kids in mining towns do? They pretty much spend their lives trying to kill themselves doing all sorts of stupid things. It's a wonder I made it to 20.

    Even with all those close calls and some stays in hospitals, I don't recall much pain.

    I almost died when I was about two years old but I wouldn't remember that, they just told me about it when I got older.

    It's possible that I died years ago and I'm just too fucking stubborn to fall over, ha ha ha ha.

    Anyway, you are right, the shame isn't yours, in fact it didn't have to be anyone's, it was just something that happened and is history now with no real harm done.

    Unless you allow it to harm you. Things like that can't harm you unless you allow them to. Just say to them, "Fuck you, get out of my way because I'm moving on".

    :-) :-)

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  6. I wouldn't assume that he may have done that to others. That was years ago, what has his track record been since then? Maybe it was just a mistake he made?

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  7. On the other hand, maybe you were just too hot to resist, ha ha ha ha

    Ah hell, I'd better shut up now.

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  8. Fuck you, get out of my way because I'm moving on".

    Billy, you have no idea how perfect that is to me right now. GREAT GREAT advice! Thank you!

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  9. Nononono dont stop. You give great advice.

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  10. I must be hot because Four Dinners gave me 40 xxxx's! :)

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  11. Sure he gave you 40 x;s... He's a fucking pervert, ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    I jest, I jest, lets face it, we're all crazy. :-)

    I don't know if you are hot or not, I'm just trying to have some fun on a sick planet. :-)

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  12. If it makes you feel any better, and I have never made this public before, I was once butt fucked, by three different men.

    Never let it take me down though, I'm always moving on, moving on, so just get out of the fucking way.

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  13. On the bright side, they had my shit on their cocks, ha ha ha ha ha

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  14. Oh Billy, of course that doesnt make me feel better! I wouldnt want that to happen to anyone.

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  15. My lord Beej...this made me cry...a 42 yr old man whom...knowes you not....just teared up...with sadness...Does it feel better to get this outta your head? the reason I ask is I could start a whole new blog of confessions...if it workes...
    Hope your Full Moon tonight is spectacular...

    your Brother...

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  16. Brother, your post made me tear up. I dont know if i feel better yet. Ive lived with this so long that I think its going to take more time but being able to be open about it does help, yes.

    Thanks, my brother.

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Go ahead, you can do it! Just whistle if you want me. You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and BLOW....

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