Sunday, February 7, 2010

Jeanne-A-Bean, the Computer Queen

I may not be the most computer savvy person in the world but I sure do better than my sister Jeanne. She purchased her first computer a few years ago and I did not get a straight night of uninterrupted sleep for weeks after. She would try to do the simplest things for hours and then, giving up after midnight, she would phone me.

"Hey Beej."

"Whaaa?" Being rousted out of a dead sleep by my sister's voice is not something I enjoy.

"What are you doing?"

"Huh?" I am not having a nightmare; it is really my sister phoning me at 1:30am asking me what I'm doing.

"Did I wake you up?"

(Nah..I sit up all night waiting for your stupid questions about your stupid computer!)

By now, I realize I am not going to be left alone until I help her.

"Ok, what don't you know how to do with your computer?" I quietly get out of bed, thinking I should put on the coffee because I know these calls can last a while.

"I can't shut it off."


"I know you told me how to do it and I did it fine but now it doesn't work."

"Shit, Jeanne! Shit shit shit! I need to get up with my kids early and you are waking me up to ask me how to turn off your friggin' computer??!"

"Why are you angry with me?"

I close my eyes and begin to count to ten.


"Jeanne, see that button on the bottom left of your screen?"



"Click there."


"Click here?"

"On the start button."

"but I don't want to start it."

"eight.. nine...

"Jean. click on that button."





"did you click there yet?"

"No. I was waiting for you."


"Jean throw the effin thing out your window and leave me alone!"

Now, that was a few years back and I swear it's the real deal, a true story. Well, a few weeks ago, my sister Jeanne got her first laptop.

"Hey Beej! I got a laptop!"

(oh oh great; I have a bad feeling..) "Good deal Jeanne!"

"How do I start it?"

I tell her to charge it up and call me back in a few hours. Sure as shootin, the phone rings. I am not sure why I answered it because I knew it was going to be a hassle.

"Okay! I charged the cord!"

"what do you mean, you charged the cord?"


"Well, I plugged the one end in the wall and let the other end dangle off the table."


Now I bet you re thinking, 'Beej is making this up.' I wish I could assure you that you are correct. But I'm not making any of this up. My beautiful sister Jeanne is dangling the other end of the cord over her table.

"Jeane, why didn't you plug it into the computer?"

"Why do I need to?"


"Because you need to charge your computer battery!!"

"I am! Isn't that the battery in the middle of my cord?"


"No! Its your power pack!"

"Nuh uh! Its the battery!!"


"Ok, Jeanne, I'll tell you what.. you go ahead and do it the way you think you should. You charge your cord or whatever you think you re doing and tell me how it works for you."

I hung up the phone and went about my day. Few hours later my sister calls me back.


"What." (we are so polite to one another..)

"I charged my cord and plugged it into my computer but it won't go on. Can you help me??"


Actually, I have the perfect, absolutely PERFECT solution:


  1. "I can't shut it off."

    There's this thing in the wall. It's called a plug.

    Unplug it.

    Silly bint...;-)

  2. oh my god, Four! I'd be scared to direct her to the plug. She might pop a fuse and then I'd be up all night telling her how to fix that!

  3. I bought my first computer in the 80's and learned DOS and all that crap. When Windows 95 came out I got really hooked and learned all I could.

    For two years after moving here I taught a class at the library three evenings a week and did some in home training. Until I got tired of trying to teach idiots.

    I always told my students that if they didn't like to read to learn how to do things with a computer they would have a hard time learning how to do much on them cuz you don't just turn one on and start using it.

    I always told them to buy and read books on how to use them, the dummies books were good for that, or as I said, "There is nothing like the warmth of a good book."

    Anymore I don't try to help others much, if you get on their computer and change and delete stupid things they have done and they don't understand what in the hell is going on and get pissed at you saying you fucked up their computer.

    "No, you fucked it up, buy a fucking computer book and read it." Lacking that at least read the fucking help files on your computer and it's programs.

    Or take a fucking class !!!!

  4. Billy, I wish she would take a class. We don't even live in the same area and it's almost impossible to teach her over the phone.

  5. ....i mean, what can you do with someone who won't even believe you when you tell them they need to plug the cord into the laptop in order to charge it! I am not kidding!

  6. Billy, I wish she would take a class. We don't even live in the same area and it's almost impossible to teach her over the phone.

    I did have one super good student in 97, a shirt tail relative that only had an email account and someone in the family told her about me and she contacted me via email.

    Long story and I'm not going to tell it again but she was the perfect student and followed every step I instructed her on (without trying to second guess me) as I walked her though getting a local ISP and how to use a web browser and many other things when at one point we only had ICQ (a chat program back then) for about four hours to communicate with as she set up the new things on her computer per my instructions.

    Within three years she surpassed me on some things. Yup, best damn student I ever had and I'm very proud of her. Too bad I pissed her off because our spiritual paths are different.

    But that doesn't take away from the fact that she was the best damn student I ever had.

  7. Beej I am glad I dont havea sister like that because I am not the one to be polite..LOL... I hate when people dont listen to me..I hate when my girls dont listen to me... So I am not one to be polite.. I would tell her to figure it out on her own...


Go ahead, you can do it! Just whistle if you want me. You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and BLOW....

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