Wednesday, December 2, 2009

An Open Letter to Tiger Woods

December 2nd. 2009

Dear Mr. Woods:

Hi. It's me, Beej. I just wanted to drop you a little letter and tell you how sorry I am about your car accident. I want you to know how much I admire you; only you could take out a fire hydrant at 3 mph. Good aim, Tiger!

I think I understand what happened. I have a feeling you were '5 under parring' that cute little waitress, Rachel Uchitel, from NY.

Lets face it, no man is called Tiger because he's good at a sport. (wink wink.) I personally would never marry a man named Tiger. I would instinctively know what that would mean. and lets face it; (and I'll be blunt here because I know you wont share this letter with anyone) you are the best in the world at sinking your balls into little holes.

Ok this is what I think happened. Your beautiful blonde wife found out about your girlfriend. They say she whacked the back window with a golf club in order to save you after the accident. I know in my heart she really was trying to whack you.

I admire you to begin with because from your injuries it is obvious she beat the crap out of you when she heard about Rachel. Did you defend yourself? No! You, as a gentleman told yourself, instead, "I am getting away from this bitch before I kill her." And off you went in your Caddy van. Good move Ti!

I heard on the news yesterday that you are worth well over a billion dollars. I was amazed and I thought to myself, wow that's a lotta cash for hitting little balls around a yard! You must do good by your wife and I bet Christmas at your house is awesome. I want you to know, if you would marry me, I would spread the wealth. You could have all the little waitresses on the side that you want. I would not whack you with golf clubs. I would just take all my diamonds and jump onto my private jet and say, "Oh well, what do you expect from a Tiger?"

I wish you well, and hope your face heals quickly.



  1. 'Rachel Uchitel'???? Nobody is really called Uchitel surely. How the hell do you pronounce Uchitel???


    Anyroad. He shagged a bird with an unpronouncable surname and the wifey found out....and he got pissed and crashed his car.

    Been there. Done that. (Never crashed though - I drive better after a drink)

    Anyroad mine was Polish and far better looking!...;-)

    Caz forgave me 'cause I'm flawed.

    I'm male which = flawed.

    If I was famous I'd be dead.

    I hope he hides his 9 irons or he's in deep shit!!!!...;-)

  2. Well, Four, I heard today its not Uchitel but some other bimbo!! (My guess is that it was probably both. )

    And tho I love men, and I do love men, I have to agree, if you guys can screw up, you will. this is just my own personal belief. And I love y'all anyway.

  3. First: I love it when someone that is way too rich crashes their expensive SUV into a tree, it serves them right.

    Second: I don't give a damn about his overrated life or him.

    Third: I don't give a damn who he is or was boinking, it isn't any of my business.

    Forth: I'm pissed cuz I'm not being boinked, my own fault I suppose for having gotten so picky.

    Fifth: Why do they keep calling him the worlds greatest athlete? He fucking plays golf and is good at it, that is all. I'd smoke his ass on a race track, and maybe in a pool game.

    I'm likely better in bed than he is also, ha ha ha ha ha

  4. Pssssst..... Woods has a little pecker, pass it on.

  5. So right Beej...specdialy the sinking the little balls in the holes...I would abreviate this but I'm not much for that here goes...I was laughing my ass off at this...thank you...

  6. LOL you are very welcome, brother.


Go ahead, you can do it! Just whistle if you want me. You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and BLOW....

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